I'm working on some future blog posts, just getting my brain used to the questions I have to answer, and I ended up going back and reading Abigail Disney's commencement address to my graduating class from Iona.
Iona is rife with scandal now... between misappropriated funds, lies about student achievement and data and alleged sexual abuse, I am trying to remember the times that I had there that truly shaped me as human being.
With that said, I miss Midnight Runs, and making Thanksgiving baskets. My heart aches for orientation and the Edmund Rice Society and the absolutely incredible people I met through it. I even miss typing agendas and dealing with stressful funding board meetings. I miss SGA and all our giggles behind our agendas. I miss sitting at the front desk from 9am-10pm on Saturdays and Sundays, picking up shifts to pay my rent. I miss LaPenta, my home away from home. I miss the salad bar at Spellman. I miss my roommates. I almost miss living with other girls. I miss my RA. I miss the trees that bloomed in gorgeous color in the spring. I miss the Gingko tree. I miss sitting on Walsh hill by the Cross on a gorgeous spring afternoon. I even miss making the rapid fire trek from the 3rd floor of Hagan to the basement of Murphy in 8 minutes, all while dodging North Avenue traffic. I miss the Avenue Deli and how I never had to even order, just show my face (egg whites and bacon on a roll, salt pepper and ketchup, iced coffee, two splenda and skim milk). I miss those artery clogging potato cones from Chicken Joes. I miss the library. I miss Student Retention. I miss tap class with my RHD and one of my favorite student leaders. I miss not being afraid to be myself, not
being afraid to make a mistake.
Behind the cut, the wonderful Ms. Disney's speech.
Friday, July 20, 2012
30 Things: Day 4
Stressed today. Grandma fell and broke her leg and is having surgery. Only my grandma...
It is pretty cool here (low 70s), so I figured I would drink hot coffee instead of iced. So I turn on the Keurig, hit brew. Smell this delicious caramel vanilla coffee, and then realize that the coffee mug is still in the closet. Go me. So here's Day 4, on a day when I wish I had a letter from the 30 (oh god) year old me to tell the 24 year old me that it will be okay! Even if your coffee is pouring out all over the counter!
Day 4: List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
It's funny that this topic ended up on a list of questions that I found on a random Pinterest blog. A friend whom I haven't met but has CSS (Churg Strauss Syndrome) helped me edit a piece that ended up on the Vasculitis Foundation website (MY STORY! READ IT!). She complimented my writing and asked if I was going to write a book.
A book? Well, yeah. Some day I plan on being a published author. Except the thing is- what the heck do I write about? What part of my life is so fascinating that someone would pay to read about it? I honestly don't think I'm that special. And the other thing... I always deflect compliments. I honestly don't know how to accept them. I know I can write, it is a gift that I'll always be grateful for because I communicate best through writing. But I'm nothing incredible. Hell, I don't know if I would pay to read about my life if I weren't me.
So I tried to think of ways to start "writing my book". I used all my writer's workshop techniques that I use with my students, but I wasn't getting anywhere. I looked in my journal for ideas, in my book of quotes for something to spark the flow of words, but nada! And then I saw something posted somewhere by someone that was a letter to their 18 year-old self. Bingo! So here's my take on Day 4.
Dear 16 year-old Kathryn,
It is okay to feel alone, like you don't belong in high school. Like you are a stranger, the irregular puzzle piece that doesn't quite fit in but can be wedged in by applying some pressure to certain sides. It's okay because you don't belong there. You belong in a place that will value you for who you are- which is a talented, incredible young lady who has had to face far too much at too young an age.
You have a good heart. You believe in the good of man kind, even though they haven't shown you the kindness you so graciously bestow upon everyone else. I wish I could tell you that karma will start helping you out in a few years, but honestly, at 24, I'm still waiting for her. She'll be here soon.
Very few people are the "best" at something. It is okay to strive for perfection, but don't let it take over your life. It will cause you unnecessary stress. Though I have to admit I'm still not very good at this. Setting goals and having high expectations of yourself are good things. Just try to be realistic.
Someday you will find your Prince Charming. There will be some contenders along the way. Give your heart to them and hope, in that trusting way of yours, that they will keep your heart safe for a spell. Don't be afraid to love someone. And don't think you can change a man either, because that just doesn't happen.
Life is going to get harder for you. Much harder. DO NOT GIVE UP. When the proverbial shit hits the fan you will have an incredibly strong safety net to catch you. Fall. Let them catch you and help you, build you back up again. You won't have many opportunities to completely fall apart in life. One will come in a few years. Once you fall apart you will emerge so raw, so vulnerable, that you will experience your first love and know what it is like to be cared for by another human being. You will move forward in life with new expectations, new goals, new visions. You'll finally start to realize why you've been put on this earth. You will touch lives, as a patient, as a support team, as a sister and as a teacher (and therefore psedo- mother/father/grandparent/nurse/psychologist/ coach/psychic/detective/police officer/confidante).
A book will come out in a few years, in which one of the characters says "You is kind. You is smart. You is important." Listen to Aibileen. She knows her stuff.
I love you, 16 year old self. Make sure you love yourself too.
It is pretty cool here (low 70s), so I figured I would drink hot coffee instead of iced. So I turn on the Keurig, hit brew. Smell this delicious caramel vanilla coffee, and then realize that the coffee mug is still in the closet. Go me. So here's Day 4, on a day when I wish I had a letter from the 30 (oh god) year old me to tell the 24 year old me that it will be okay! Even if your coffee is pouring out all over the counter!
Day 4: List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
It's funny that this topic ended up on a list of questions that I found on a random Pinterest blog. A friend whom I haven't met but has CSS (Churg Strauss Syndrome) helped me edit a piece that ended up on the Vasculitis Foundation website (MY STORY! READ IT!). She complimented my writing and asked if I was going to write a book.
A book? Well, yeah. Some day I plan on being a published author. Except the thing is- what the heck do I write about? What part of my life is so fascinating that someone would pay to read about it? I honestly don't think I'm that special. And the other thing... I always deflect compliments. I honestly don't know how to accept them. I know I can write, it is a gift that I'll always be grateful for because I communicate best through writing. But I'm nothing incredible. Hell, I don't know if I would pay to read about my life if I weren't me.
So I tried to think of ways to start "writing my book". I used all my writer's workshop techniques that I use with my students, but I wasn't getting anywhere. I looked in my journal for ideas, in my book of quotes for something to spark the flow of words, but nada! And then I saw something posted somewhere by someone that was a letter to their 18 year-old self. Bingo! So here's my take on Day 4.
Dear 16 year-old Kathryn,
It is okay to feel alone, like you don't belong in high school. Like you are a stranger, the irregular puzzle piece that doesn't quite fit in but can be wedged in by applying some pressure to certain sides. It's okay because you don't belong there. You belong in a place that will value you for who you are- which is a talented, incredible young lady who has had to face far too much at too young an age.
You have a good heart. You believe in the good of man kind, even though they haven't shown you the kindness you so graciously bestow upon everyone else. I wish I could tell you that karma will start helping you out in a few years, but honestly, at 24, I'm still waiting for her. She'll be here soon.
Very few people are the "best" at something. It is okay to strive for perfection, but don't let it take over your life. It will cause you unnecessary stress. Though I have to admit I'm still not very good at this. Setting goals and having high expectations of yourself are good things. Just try to be realistic.
Someday you will find your Prince Charming. There will be some contenders along the way. Give your heart to them and hope, in that trusting way of yours, that they will keep your heart safe for a spell. Don't be afraid to love someone. And don't think you can change a man either, because that just doesn't happen.
Life is going to get harder for you. Much harder. DO NOT GIVE UP. When the proverbial shit hits the fan you will have an incredibly strong safety net to catch you. Fall. Let them catch you and help you, build you back up again. You won't have many opportunities to completely fall apart in life. One will come in a few years. Once you fall apart you will emerge so raw, so vulnerable, that you will experience your first love and know what it is like to be cared for by another human being. You will move forward in life with new expectations, new goals, new visions. You'll finally start to realize why you've been put on this earth. You will touch lives, as a patient, as a support team, as a sister and as a teacher (and therefore psedo- mother/father/grandparent/nurse/psychologist/ coach/psychic/detective/police officer/confidante).
A book will come out in a few years, in which one of the characters says "You is kind. You is smart. You is important." Listen to Aibileen. She knows her stuff.
I love you, 16 year old self. Make sure you love yourself too.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
30 Things: Day 3
Day 3: Describe your relationship with your parents.
Well, my dad's dead. So there isn't much of a relationship there anymore. Not that there was one there to begin with. I barely remember the man my dad was before he got sick the first time around. I was only six... I have these terribly brief recollections of the time I spent with him, and I get choked up just thinking about them. I remember driving home from the beach and getting to press the "red and blue buttons" on the dash. I've only recently realized that I thought they were rocketship transformer buttons, when in reality they were the "heat" and "air conditioning" buttons. I remember not wanting to go to dance class one day (Barney was on, and I was watching with my little sister), and had to be carried kicking and screaming to the car. I got to dance, went into my classroom, and when I didn't see my dad at the window, I freaked out, started hysterically crying, thinking he had left me there. He was actually only upstairs paying the bill for that month.
And I remember when he passed out and went into cardiac arrest the first time. I was sitting at the dining room table, working on my fractions (or maybe it was measurement) homework. He was reaching on top of the fridge to get the address book to call his buddy for a ride to work. He said he didn't feel well, and reached for the chair to sit down. And then he was on the floor, unconscious. My mom had me run downstairs to get my uncle, who luckily was home. My uncle started CPR while my mom called 911. Had we had an AED (automatic external defibrilator) in the house, I most likely wouldn't be writing this. But he was without oxygen to his brain for too long and ended up with permanent brain damage. Short term memory- poof! Gone. So that really sucked. And that's about all I remember. He was in the hospital for a long time, then he went to live with his father, then his brother, then I stopped talking to him because I hated his brother and how he ruined our lives with divorce nonsense and money troubles. I talked to my dad December 2008, 2 months before he died. He had called my house, which he hadn't done in a while. I answered the phone and spoke in clipped, short sentences. I had nothing to say to him. Then as the maybe 45-second phone call came to an end, he said "I love you". And I told him I loved him too, because deep down I really think I did. Two months later he was gone.
On a happier note, my mom and I have a good relationship. She is always there for me, supporting me, encouraging me, teaching me and guiding me in the right direction. She has raised me to be an incredible young woman even though our lives weren't always easy. She is the smartest, most educated, most dedicated, resilient, perfect mother I could ever ask for. Mom of the millenia, without a doubt. I don't share with her a lot of what goes through my mind because I know it will stress her out, and she has enough stressors in her life, but I do love her more than anything and would do absolutely anything in the world for her. Except wash the dishes. Our only point of contention! Haha. Just kidding. But not really :)
Edit: Mom just got home from Grandma's house and found all the newspaper articles about my Dad's benefit. I'll scan them. It is maddening to look back on that now and be so incredulous that I had no clue how bad things were. And then I get even more furious with some people in my "family", but I have to learn to let it go. (ha.)
Well, my dad's dead. So there isn't much of a relationship there anymore. Not that there was one there to begin with. I barely remember the man my dad was before he got sick the first time around. I was only six... I have these terribly brief recollections of the time I spent with him, and I get choked up just thinking about them. I remember driving home from the beach and getting to press the "red and blue buttons" on the dash. I've only recently realized that I thought they were rocketship transformer buttons, when in reality they were the "heat" and "air conditioning" buttons. I remember not wanting to go to dance class one day (Barney was on, and I was watching with my little sister), and had to be carried kicking and screaming to the car. I got to dance, went into my classroom, and when I didn't see my dad at the window, I freaked out, started hysterically crying, thinking he had left me there. He was actually only upstairs paying the bill for that month.
And I remember when he passed out and went into cardiac arrest the first time. I was sitting at the dining room table, working on my fractions (or maybe it was measurement) homework. He was reaching on top of the fridge to get the address book to call his buddy for a ride to work. He said he didn't feel well, and reached for the chair to sit down. And then he was on the floor, unconscious. My mom had me run downstairs to get my uncle, who luckily was home. My uncle started CPR while my mom called 911. Had we had an AED (automatic external defibrilator) in the house, I most likely wouldn't be writing this. But he was without oxygen to his brain for too long and ended up with permanent brain damage. Short term memory- poof! Gone. So that really sucked. And that's about all I remember. He was in the hospital for a long time, then he went to live with his father, then his brother, then I stopped talking to him because I hated his brother and how he ruined our lives with divorce nonsense and money troubles. I talked to my dad December 2008, 2 months before he died. He had called my house, which he hadn't done in a while. I answered the phone and spoke in clipped, short sentences. I had nothing to say to him. Then as the maybe 45-second phone call came to an end, he said "I love you". And I told him I loved him too, because deep down I really think I did. Two months later he was gone.
On a happier note, my mom and I have a good relationship. She is always there for me, supporting me, encouraging me, teaching me and guiding me in the right direction. She has raised me to be an incredible young woman even though our lives weren't always easy. She is the smartest, most educated, most dedicated, resilient, perfect mother I could ever ask for. Mom of the millenia, without a doubt. I don't share with her a lot of what goes through my mind because I know it will stress her out, and she has enough stressors in her life, but I do love her more than anything and would do absolutely anything in the world for her. Except wash the dishes. Our only point of contention! Haha. Just kidding. But not really :)
Edit: Mom just got home from Grandma's house and found all the newspaper articles about my Dad's benefit. I'll scan them. It is maddening to look back on that now and be so incredulous that I had no clue how bad things were. And then I get even more furious with some people in my "family", but I have to learn to let it go. (ha.)
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
30 Things: Day 2
It is absolutely, 100% brutally and disgustingly hot today. I am not feeling 100% and soooo do not want to do anything but sit in the air conditioning. Oh wait, we don't have air conditioning. Anyway. On to Day 2!
Day 2: Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
Fear 1: Dying before I can accomplish my goals... thanks to Wegeners for that one. Legitimate because this disease really could kill me (don't plan on this any time soon). Though when I think back to when I was first really sick / pre diagnosis, I didn't exactly care if I died. But only because I: a) couldn't breathe b) couldn't hear c) had never been sicker in my life and wanted the pain to just go away.
Fear 2: That my mom/sisters will die. I've already had to deal with my father's death, and then my cousin's... so no more please. I don't handle death well. I still have nightmares and am plagued with horrible fits of guilt and grief. If my mom or my sisters... I shudder at the though. Knock on wood. God forbid. I don't think I could handle something like that.
Fear 3: Never being a mom. True, my students are like my children. When one asked me this past year "Miss, when you gonna have a baby?" I said "Never. I have 28 babies right here, why do I need anymore?" However... the truth is, I've never wanted anything more in my entire life than to be a mother. So as my sad and pathetic lack of a love life dwindles even further down, I'm scared that I'll never find the right guy to start a family with. Plus there is that little Cytoxan demon in the back of my psyche that constantly says "I may have ruined your chances of ever having a baby anyway, sucker."
Day 2: Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
Fear 1: Dying before I can accomplish my goals... thanks to Wegeners for that one. Legitimate because this disease really could kill me (don't plan on this any time soon). Though when I think back to when I was first really sick / pre diagnosis, I didn't exactly care if I died. But only because I: a) couldn't breathe b) couldn't hear c) had never been sicker in my life and wanted the pain to just go away.
Fear 2: That my mom/sisters will die. I've already had to deal with my father's death, and then my cousin's... so no more please. I don't handle death well. I still have nightmares and am plagued with horrible fits of guilt and grief. If my mom or my sisters... I shudder at the though. Knock on wood. God forbid. I don't think I could handle something like that.
Fear 3: Never being a mom. True, my students are like my children. When one asked me this past year "Miss, when you gonna have a baby?" I said "Never. I have 28 babies right here, why do I need anymore?" However... the truth is, I've never wanted anything more in my entire life than to be a mother. So as my sad and pathetic lack of a love life dwindles even further down, I'm scared that I'll never find the right guy to start a family with. Plus there is that little Cytoxan demon in the back of my psyche that constantly says "I may have ruined your chances of ever having a baby anyway, sucker."
Monday, July 16, 2012
Summer Reading, Year Two
I keep saying to myself that I want to start blogging again. But then I get distracted, or question my ability to actually write every.single.day. Plus I'm 99% sure that no one actually reads what I write anyway.
I've been reading a lot this summer (well, actually, a little bit before summer), and what I really should do is keep track of every book I've read with a little summary (like last year's post- Summer Reading 2011). So here goes, from May 1, 2012 through September 6, 2012
Challenge: To read a book every 5 days. Originally it was a book every 3 days, but no. Not happening. As of July 22 I've read 14 with 4 in progress, so I'm about on target (should have completed 16.6). To meet the challenge I have to read 26 novels.
EDIT: Today is September 5th. My "challenge" ends tomorrow. To meet my challenge I had to read 26 books. I have 31 completed, and 6 in progress! I'd say that means I met my goal!
Completed Novels:
I've been reading a lot this summer (well, actually, a little bit before summer), and what I really should do is keep track of every book I've read with a little summary (like last year's post- Summer Reading 2011). So here goes, from May 1, 2012 through September 6, 2012
Challenge: To read a book every 5 days. Originally it was a book every 3 days, but no. Not happening. As of July 22 I've read 14 with 4 in progress, so I'm about on target (should have completed 16.6). To meet the challenge I have to read 26 novels.
EDIT: Today is September 5th. My "challenge" ends tomorrow. To meet my challenge I had to read 26 books. I have 31 completed, and 6 in progress! I'd say that means I met my goal!
Completed Novels:
- The Lucky One- Nicholas Sparks
- Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children- Ransom Riggs
- Matched -Alli Condi
- Crossed- Alli Condie
- Twenties Girl- Sophie Kinsella
- Fifty Shades of Grey- E.L. James
- Fifty Shades Darker- E.L. James
- Fifty Shades Freed- E.L. James
- Girls in White Dresses- Jennifer Close
- Can You Keep a Secret- Sophie Kinsella
- There's Cake in My Future- Kim Gruenfelder
- Queen of Babble- Meg Cabot
- Remember Me?- Sophie Kinsella
- Something Borrowed- Emily Giffen
- Divergent- Veronica Roth
- The Kitchen House- Kathleen Grissom
- Wallflower in Bloom- Claire Cook (don't recommend this one. Didn't like it at all)
- Something Blue- Emily Giffen
- Best of Me- Nicholas Sparks
- The Help- Kathryn Stockett
- The Diary of Darcy J. Rhone- Emily Giffen
- White Girl Problems- Babe Walker
- The Perks of Being a Wallflower- Stephen Chbosky
- Flowers for Algernon- Daniel Keyes
- The Selection- Kiera Cass
- Where We Belong- Emily Giffen
- Size 12 is Not Fat- Meg Cabot
- Love the One You're With- Emily Giffen
- Charlie St. Cloud- Ben Sherwood
- The Last Song- Nicholas Sparks
- Girls in White Dresses- Jennifer Close
- Insurgent- Veronica Roth
- Bossypants- Tina Fey
- Then Came You- Jennifer Weiner
- The Innocents- Francesa Segal
- One Book in the Grave- Kate Carlisle
Friday, January 13, 2012
I believe in Tim Tebow.
I'm trying to draft a letter to this miracle man.
Not a miracle man for his talents on the field, but for his pure heart.
Before the Broncos-Steelers game, Tim met with Bailey, a 16 year old with Wegener's Granulomatosis (yay a fellow weggie). Now Bailey has suffered far more than I ever have- she's only 16 and she has had over 70 surgeries. She has lost a lung. But she still pushes on, and now she has someone who is inspired by her- Mr. Tebow.
Why can't there be more people like Tim Tebow in this world? He is the kind of role model I wish my students would look up to.
Believing in Tim Tebow by Rick Reilly, www.espn.com
Take a look. I wish I could hug him and tell him thanks for everything he has unintentionally done to raise awareness for Wegeners.
Not a miracle man for his talents on the field, but for his pure heart.
Before the Broncos-Steelers game, Tim met with Bailey, a 16 year old with Wegener's Granulomatosis (yay a fellow weggie). Now Bailey has suffered far more than I ever have- she's only 16 and she has had over 70 surgeries. She has lost a lung. But she still pushes on, and now she has someone who is inspired by her- Mr. Tebow.
Why can't there be more people like Tim Tebow in this world? He is the kind of role model I wish my students would look up to.
Believing in Tim Tebow by Rick Reilly, www.espn.com
Take a look. I wish I could hug him and tell him thanks for everything he has unintentionally done to raise awareness for Wegeners.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
How not to start off your new year:
1) By getting back a paper from last semester, filled with nasty comments by your professor, to realize that if you had gotten 2 more points on your paper you would have gotten an A- in the class instead of a B+.
2) By going through caffeine withdrawal, after realizing the only thing you drank yesterday was the equivalent of 6 cups of coffee.
3) By staring blankly at your lesson plan template, not having a single clue about what to do with your class who will not want to be back in school.
4) By not knowing what to do about Grad School (I seriously don't know what to do and it is becoming a major problem in my life. I need help!)
I'm trying to make a conscious effort to put 2011 behind me, because it was such a difficult year, but I really am struggling with this. It does not help that I feel asleep thinking about someone who I shouldn't be thinking about. First dream of 2012? That it was me in the Hunger Games, scared, alone, and untrusting of everyone and everything, hoping that I would make it home alive.
Cool, subconscious, really cool. Thanks for being such a pal.
1) By getting back a paper from last semester, filled with nasty comments by your professor, to realize that if you had gotten 2 more points on your paper you would have gotten an A- in the class instead of a B+.
2) By going through caffeine withdrawal, after realizing the only thing you drank yesterday was the equivalent of 6 cups of coffee.
3) By staring blankly at your lesson plan template, not having a single clue about what to do with your class who will not want to be back in school.
4) By not knowing what to do about Grad School (I seriously don't know what to do and it is becoming a major problem in my life. I need help!)
I'm trying to make a conscious effort to put 2011 behind me, because it was such a difficult year, but I really am struggling with this. It does not help that I feel asleep thinking about someone who I shouldn't be thinking about. First dream of 2012? That it was me in the Hunger Games, scared, alone, and untrusting of everyone and everything, hoping that I would make it home alive.
Cool, subconscious, really cool. Thanks for being such a pal.
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