Wednesday, July 20, 2011

My deepest, most sincere apologies.

“There are so many things I wish people knew about me, but I won’t say, because you don’t ask and when you do, you’re not truly listening.”

I’m depressed. I’ve battled with this since I graduated from College, which is understandable. Major life change, the loss of a lot of things that meant the world to me...

But over the past few months it has gotten progressively worse, to the point where I wake up in the morning and wish I was dead. The thought of death used to terrify me. It doesn’t anymore.

I’ve stopped responding to texts, to facebook, to twitter. I don’t post anymore on those social networking sites. I’ve been trying to disappear.

One of the parts that hurts the most? Only ONE of my friends has continued to text me while I’ve tried to pull away. Only one. And I feel terrible, and horrible for not responding, because he must be saying that I’m a huge bitch. I’m sorry. I am truly sorry. I just can’t handle what my life has become anymore, and I can’t hide behind a smile anymore.

There isn’t anything that can fix me, unless you can reverse the hiring freeze, confund my road test instructor so I pass, find me a job, with benefits, with a salary, so that I can buy a car and pay for insurance and pay rent to finally have a place of my own and some peace... unless you can find me a stable relationship with a guy who is understanding of the fact that I have a chronic illness, or even better, a cure for Wegener’s... unless you can free me from the prison that my life has become, there isn’t anything that you can do.

So it is what it is. And I hope those who read this (if anyone at all) can understand why I am trying to disappear. I’m sorry.

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