30 Things: Day 4

Stressed today. Grandma fell and broke her leg and is having surgery. Only my grandma...
It is pretty cool here (low 70s), so I figured I would drink hot coffee instead of iced. So I turn on the Keurig, hit brew. Smell this delicious caramel vanilla coffee, and then realize that the coffee mug is still in the closet. Go me. So here's Day 4, on a day when I wish I had a letter from the 30 (oh god) year old me to tell the 24 year old me that it will be okay! Even if your coffee is pouring out all over the counter!



Day 4: List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.

It's funny that this topic ended up on a list of questions that I found on a random Pinterest blog.  A friend whom I haven't met but has CSS (Churg Strauss Syndrome) helped me edit a piece that ended up on the Vasculitis Foundation website (MY STORY! READ IT!). She complimented my writing and asked if I was going to write a book.

A book? Well, yeah. Some day I plan on being a published author.  Except the thing is- what the heck do I write about? What part of my life is so fascinating that someone would pay to read about it? I honestly don't think I'm that special.  And the other thing... I always deflect compliments.  I honestly don't know how to accept them.  I know I can write, it is a gift that I'll always be grateful for because I communicate best through writing.  But I'm nothing incredible.  Hell, I don't know if I would pay to read about my life if I weren't me.

So I tried to think of ways to start "writing my book".  I used all my writer's workshop techniques that I use with my students, but I wasn't getting anywhere.  I looked in my journal for ideas, in my book of quotes for something to spark the flow of words, but nada! And then I saw something posted somewhere by someone that was a letter to their 18 year-old self.  Bingo! So here's my take on Day 4.

Dear 16 year-old Kathryn,

     It is okay to feel alone, like you don't belong in high school.  Like you are a stranger, the irregular puzzle piece that doesn't quite fit in but can be wedged in by applying some pressure to certain sides.  It's okay because you don't belong there.  You belong in a place that will value you for who you are- which is a talented, incredible young lady who has had to face far too much at too young an age.

  You have a good heart.  You believe in the good of man kind, even though they haven't shown you the kindness you so graciously bestow upon everyone else.  I wish I could tell you that karma will start helping you out in a few years, but honestly, at 24, I'm still waiting for her.  She'll be here soon.

     Very few people are the "best" at something.  It is okay to strive for perfection, but don't let it take over your life.  It will cause you unnecessary stress.  Though I have to admit I'm still not very good at this.  Setting goals and having high expectations of yourself are good things.  Just try to be realistic.

  Someday you will find your Prince Charming.  There will be some contenders along the way.  Give your heart to them and hope, in that trusting way of yours, that they will keep your heart safe for a spell.  Don't be afraid to love someone.  And don't think you can change a man either, because that just doesn't happen.
 
     Life is going to get harder for you.  Much harder.  DO NOT GIVE UP.  When the proverbial shit hits the fan you will have an incredibly strong safety net to catch you.  Fall.  Let them catch you and help you, build you back up again.  You won't have many opportunities to completely fall apart in life.  One will come in a few years.  Once you fall apart you will emerge so raw, so vulnerable, that you will experience your first love and know what it is like to be cared for by another human being.  You will move forward in life with new expectations, new goals, new visions.  You'll finally start to realize why you've been put on this earth.  You will touch lives, as a patient, as a support team, as a sister and as a teacher (and therefore psedo- mother/father/grandparent/nurse/psychologist/ coach/psychic/detective/police officer/confidante).

   A book will come out in a few years, in which one of the characters says "You is kind. You is smart. You is important."  Listen to Aibileen.  She knows her stuff.

I love you, 16 year old self. Make sure you love yourself too.