I have a lot to get off my chest and I don't know who I can talk to about it because I feel like I'm complaining. Wonder who gave me that idea...
No. I'm not going there. I'm supposed to be learning to forgive and forget.
Sometimes I look at where I am in my life and I'm thrilled. I'm alive, for starters. I have a degree, I have some job experience. I have some wonderful friends. And other days I look in the mirror and I'm incredibly disappointed. I'm not going to lie. I feel horribly alone most of the time.
I constantly compare myself to other girls, and I'm jealous of what I see these girls having that I don't have but want. I try to puff up my self esteem and ruffle my own feathers, but I have a really hard time with this. Case and point- I've never been in a legitimate relationship.
What I had in college was never what I wanted it to be, for whatever reason. I don't think I will ever know the reasons that I was never able to call the guy in question my boyfriend. But it hurts. I'm 24 years old and I've never had a real boyfriend. I trusted this person with my heart, and like most hearts, it was broken. I put most of the pieces back together, but the glue doesn't always hold.
I'm not trying to be the debbie downer- but I never think I'm good enough, smart enough, beautiful enough, thin enough, outgoing enough, funny enough. My friends tell me otherwise, but I don't believe it.
It seems that every time I log on to facebook someone else is a) getting engaged b) getting married c) having a baby d) finding their dream job. I'm jealous. I see pictures of one person in particular, with a girl whom I barely know... she captions pictures "my best friend"... but at the bar the other night, it was all she could to do keep her real feelings "he's annoying" "I just want him here so he brings his cousin" from him. But the thing is, I don't think those things about this boy. Granted I know next to nothing about him. But I do know that he is smart. And attractive. Why does he give this girl so much attention when she doesn't even really like him, but someone like me, who honestly thinks the best of everyone- is only good for a late night text?
Apparently that is all I'm good for because usually the texts I get from the guys I know aren't the "let's take a stroll on the beach" type of texts. I am a good girl. I don't drink excessively, though I will let my hair down once in a while. I don't do drugs, I don't smoke. I study hard and I get good grades. I'm exactly the kind of girl you bring home to the parents. I can be witty and charming once I get to know you. If you open yourself up to me, I'll open myself up to you. I've been through a lot in my life and I'm not interested in waiting any more for what I perceive to be the good things life has to offer. I want to be in love. I want someone who I'm excited to tell good things and bad things to. Someone to cook for, to hang out on the couch in sweats with a beer to watch a football game with, someone to go to family parties with so my family stops pestering me... someone to come home to.
So does that mean I'm not going to get married until I'm 50? Because that is certainly what it feels like.
I'm distinctly aware of my shyness. Painfully so. I don't know how to meet guys, I'm never the first one to text, I don't put myself out there. I'm afraid of rejection because I go for the guys I already know. I'm afraid that I'll be embarrassed by someone who I will potentially have to interact with at some point in the future.
So I'm hurting, and I'm alone. And I cry when I watch Say Yes to the Dress, or when my friends call me to tell me they are engaged or when they ask me to be a part of their wedding. I cry. A lot.
Prince Charming, where are you?