30 Things: Day 2

It is absolutely, 100% brutally and disgustingly hot today. I am not feeling 100% and soooo do not want to do anything but sit in the air conditioning. Oh wait, we don't have air conditioning.  Anyway. On to Day 2!

Day 2: Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

Fear 1:  Dying before I can accomplish my goals... thanks to Wegeners for that one. Legitimate because this disease really could kill me (don't plan on this any time soon).  Though when I think back to when I was first really sick / pre diagnosis, I didn't exactly care if I died. But only because I: a) couldn't breathe b) couldn't hear c) had never been sicker in my life and wanted the pain to just go away.

Fear 2: That my mom/sisters will die. I've already had to deal with my father's death, and then my cousin's... so no more please. I don't handle death well. I still have nightmares and am plagued with horrible fits of guilt and grief.  If my mom or my sisters... I shudder at the though. Knock on wood. God forbid. I don't think I could handle something like that.

Fear 3: Never being a mom. True, my students are like my children. When one asked me this past year "Miss, when you gonna have a baby?" I said "Never. I have 28 babies right here, why do I need anymore?" However... the truth is, I've never wanted anything more in my entire life than to be a mother.  So as my sad and pathetic lack of a love life dwindles even further down, I'm scared that I'll never find the right guy to start a family with.  Plus there is that little Cytoxan demon in the back of my psyche that constantly says "I may have ruined your chances of ever having a baby anyway, sucker."